because of poppy weisz

Act I

Scene One

A trendy restaurant. There are three tables. BOOKER and UPSHAW sit around a table, drinking wine.

BOOKER
It's the burden of proof, really. What do we know that is true that we haven't read in a headline?

UPSHAW
Who bears the burden of proof?

BOOKER
The people, the population. You do. We do. If you're reading about a plane crash in upstate New York, you've got to be able to go there and see a hole in the ground.

UPSHAW
And what if you can't?

BOOKER
Then you'll finally know, for sure, that it's bullshit.

A pause.

UPSHAW
So you can't trust the news.

BOOKER
No, that's not what I'm saying. You can trust the news with your life.

UPSHAW
I don't understand.

BOOKER
You can trust the news to bring you what's true, because as soon as it's printed, it's real. You think this is reality? You think this is real life? I'm saying that doesn't matter. Enjoy it. Revel in it. This is it.

UPSHAW
I'm not following.

BOOKER
Look. I'll prove it to you.

The lights go down and come up on DAVID and PAUL, sitting at a table and eating.

DAVID
You think she's ugly?

PAUL
No, Christ, David, I'm saying she's not right for you.

DAVID
I understood that, I just don't understand what you mean by, "You could do better."

PAUL
I'm just saying, I think you could do better.

DAVID
That's a hell of a thing to say to someone.

PAUL
Do you want me to be honest?

DAVID
Yes, I want you to be honest, but I don't want you to tell me you hate my girlfriend.

PAUL
Then we have a problem.

DAVID
Well, I don't know what to do about it.

PAUL
Dump her.

DAVID
Paul.

PAUL
Alright, don't dump her, but maybe pay attention a little and try to understand what I'm talking about.

DAVID
About how she doesn't respect me?

PAUL
Exactly.

DAVID
Listen, do me a favor.

PAUL
Sure.

DAVID
Don't ever tell me what you think of any of my girlfriends ever again.

The lights go down and come up on AMELIA and ELIZABETH, sitting at a table and eating.

AMELIA
You think that guy is cute?

ELIZABETH
Yes.

AMELIA
Which one?

ELIZABETH
The smarter looking one.

A pause.

AMELIA
Okay. Maybe.

ELIZABETH
Think one of them will come over here?

AMELIA
And sweep you off your feet?

ELIZABETH
Or ask for my number.

AMELIA
That would mean that your life is a movie.

ELIZABETH
Oh, God, if only.

AMELIA
A romantic film.

ELIZABETH
Right now it's playing like Mormon propaganda.

AMELIA
(Laughing.)
Oh, quiet, you.

ELIZABETH
I would very much like for him to be my boyfriend.

AMELIA
He's probably married.

ELIZABETH
What makes you say that?

AMELIA
Look at him, he looks funny.

ELIZABETH
He looks funny?

AMELIA
No, Elizabeth, he looks funny. He's probably got a great sense of humor, and those guys get snatched up.

ELIZABETH
He doesn't look thirty.

AMELIA
He probably isn't.

ELIZABETH
So there's still hope.

AMELIA
You're going to be married when you're thirty?

ELIZABETH
Maybe before.

AMELIA
Fuck off.

ELIZABETH
Not you?

AMELIA
Not if I have anything to say about it.

The lights go down and come up on BOOKER and UPSHAW.

UPSHAW
If what’s real, then, is what’s reported, then what do you call us? You ever been in the news?

BOOKER
No, thank god.

UPSHAW
Well, me neither.

BOOKER
But I’ve helped make news.

UPSHAW
Oh. I’ve helped make news too.

BOOKER
Big news.

UPSHAW
So then we’re real.

BOOKER
More than mostly anybody, Upshaw.

UPSHAW
That’s comforting.

The light go down and come up on DAVID and PAUL.

PAUL
Whoa, whoa, whoa, look at those girls.

DAVID
Where.

PAUL
They’re right behind you.

DAVID
Like, directly behind?

PAUL
Yeah, like twelve o’clock. My twelve o’clock.

DAVID
My six o’clock.

PAUL
Right behind you.

PAUL tosses DAVID’s napkin on the floor. DAVID uses the opportunity to look behind him while he picks it up.

DAVID
Nice.

PAUL
Cuter than your girlfriend.

DAVID
Oh, Paul.

PAUL
I’m just saying.

DAVID
Well, stop it.

PAUL
I like the smarter looking one.

DAVID
That’s a terrible thing to say. Which one is she.

PAUL
The one in black.

DAVID
I like the one in white.

PAUL
You have a girlfriend.

DAVID
You hate my girlfriend.

PAUL
I do.

DAVID
Maybe one of them can be my new girlfriend.

PAUL
Please please please please please.

DAVID
What are they drinking?

PAUL
Uh, looks like cokes.

DAVID
Aw.

PAUL
Not everyone has a martini lunch, David. Not everyone has a job where they can have a martini lunch.

DAVID
Not everyone has a job.

PAUL
Is that a dig at me?

DAVID
Yes.

The lights go down and come up on ELIZABETH and AMELIA, peering at PAUL and DAVID.

ELIZABETH
What do you call that, the “napkin trick?”

AMELIA
It wasn’t very smooth.

ELIZABETH
They’re working as a team, anyway.

AMELIA
Admirable, I suppose.

ELIZABETH
It is.

AMELIA
Do you know how easy it would be to get them to ask us out right now?

ELIZABETH
How easy, do you think?

AMELIA
Probably very.

ELIZABETH
What do I have to do?

AMELIA
Just be wait, just be coy.

ELIZABETH
Give them a look?

AMELIA
Keep giving them a lot of looks.

ELIZABETH
The other one looks rich.

AMELIA
He does.

ELIZABETH
You like rich.

AMELIA
I like martini-lunch, nice suit rich.

ELIZABETH
He looks about that rich.

AMELIA
And the other guy looks poor.

ELIZABETH
I like poor.

AMELIA
“Starving artist.”

ELIZABETH
We can only hope.

Lights on BOOKER and UPSHAW.

UPSHAW
Are we gonna have to kill this girl?

BOOKER
I don’t think it’s meant to come to that.

UPSHAW
Well, plans are often nebulous, difficult things.

BOOKER
They’re fickle.

UPSHAW
That’s right, and I just wanna know if we’re gonna have to kill this girl, maybe.

BOOKER
Maybe. There’s always a maybe.

UPSHAW
That’s a shame.

BOOKER
Is it?

UPSHAW
She’s pretty.

BOOKER
Pretty as a quarter mil?

UPSHAW
Not quite as pretty as a quarter mil, but.

BOOKER
Aw, chin up, Upshaw.

UPSHAW
Sure, Booker, sure.

BOOKER
This is the business.

UPSHAW
This is the business.

Lights on DAVID and PAUL.

PAUL
I think they’re giving us looks.

DAVID
What kind of looks? “Come here and fuck me” looks? Bedroom eyes?

PAUL
It’s hard to tell. Your girl seems pretty good at it but mine...I don’t know if she knows how to give a “come here and fuck me” look.

DAVID
That’s cute.

PAUL
It really, really is.

DAVID
Are we going to go over there?

PAUL
Well, I’m going to go over there.

DAVID
What do you mean, “Well, I’m?”

PAUL
Well, David, you have a girlfriend.

A pause.

DAVID
Not anymore.

PAUL
Oh, baby, do you mean it?

DAVID
It’s been a hard decision, but I’ve come to agree with you that she doesn’t respect me.

PAUL
Does this have anything to do with the half-glimpse you got of miss flirty bombshell when you picked up that napkin?

DAVID
It has a little bit to do with that.

PAUL
I’m just trying to see all your cards, here.

DAVID
No, I appreciate that, you’re a good friend.

PAUL
Should you call her first, tell her it’s over?

DAVID
My girlfriend? I mean, my ex-girlfriend?

PAUL
I don’t think she’s your ex until you call her.

DAVID
I’ll call her after lunch.

PAUL
David, don’t put this off until like, next week, when you’ve already slept with this new girl and your old girlfriend has to come like, crying to me, of all things.

DAVID
I’ll do it after lunch.

PAUL
Promise?

DAVID
Remind me?

PAUL
(Sighing.)
Fine.

DAVID
Okay, then I promise.

PAUL
So are we going?

DAVID
Yeah. Let me finish this.

He drains his martini and stands. PAUL stands also.

DAVID (CONT'D)
I love this part.

They begin to walk towards ELIZABETH and AMELIA. The lights go down and come up on the girls.

ELIZABETH
Oh, shit, they’re coming.

AMELIA
That’s what you wanted.

ELIZABETH
I didn’t...I thought...

AMELIA
It’s going to be fine. Play it cool.

ELIZABETH
I’m really bad at that.

AMELIA
I know, just follow my lead.

The men arrive at their table.

AMELIA (CONT'D)
Hiyah, boys.

The lights go out and come up one last time on BOOKER and UPSHAW.

UPSHAW
So we’re taking the job, then.

BOOKER
It’s a lot of money.

UPSHAW
Messy job.

BOOKER
Maybe. Just maybe.

UPSHAW
You ever seen this girl, this Poppy girl?

BOOKER
She’s a hard one to miss.

UPSHAW
She’s in the papers all the time. She’s completely real.

BOOKER
You know what happens when real meets real, Upshaw?

UPSHAW
I don’t.

BOOKER
Things. Things happen. Compared to usual, when nothing happens, nothing real, that’s news. That’s big news.

UPSHAW
Think we’re gonna make news with this one?

BOOKER
Kid, I don’t think we’re going to be able to avoid it.

UPSHAW
(Laughing.)
That’s good. That’s good.

BOOKER
News.

UPSHAW
(In agreement.)
News.

A pause.

UPSHAW (CONT'D)
Poppy Weisz?

BOOKER
Don’t mind if I do.